people are like wolves to me @[email protected]

new avy!

source: https://picrew.me/image_maker/103619

dear readers,

this is the typical but very necessary message. if i ever fail to properly cw something or make an inappropiate toot, please tell me inmediately so it can be removed as soon as i read the dm.

now i'll pin this, sorry for any future inconvenients!

acho el tren

hey did queer.party die????

almost 100 years of art and progress only to lead to this

"red bull gives you wings"

finally, about time i turn into the angel im supposed to be

That's kind of what's driving me at this moment, the fact that I'm really doing what I can with what I have, even with my difficulty to understand myself and others, and society, everything. That's what matters, and I don't regret any decision I took towards solving gender.

One day I'll solve this.

But I guess that not everything lasts, and my mental state has been rapidly deteriorating these last months. Dissociations got stronger and more frequent, dysphoria was back, my body beginned to look flawed. That's the situation I'm in, currently, wondering why does it take so much to be yourself. I'm still figuring out, but I'm making the choices I find more appropriate at the moment.

Then, I thought that perhaps it wasn't the solution for me. Perhaps I was doing too much to fill in the expectations of society, to pass. It shouldn't take effort to be yourself, right? My temporary solution was to completely dump gender. I wouldn't have to worry about it. That's when I started to go by they/them, and gain confidence in myself. I even reached the peak of my stability like this. I thought I had figured it out.

As I looked for resources and tried to guess what was wrong with me, I realized that perhaps doing what I wasn't allowed to would help a bit. It did, but it left me completely devastated when I had to go back to not being myself. It was killing me inside. At some point and battling with myself, I thought I was trans, that it would solve something, and it kinda did, but it really never stopped. I felt like inside I wasn't really being myself.

My acceptation towards myself was really low and I didn't get along with this (probably resulting in a personality disorder and heavy dissociation), and my feelings towards gender were completely ignored until I couldn't deal with them like that anymore. I had to do something and quick. Dysphoria started to be a common thing in my depressive episode that lasted almost 7 years. But I didn't know what it was back then.

Later on, it started to leak into my dreams. These have always been representative of my mental state and I've been capable of lucid dream naturally for a very long time. These were filled with my desire to do the things I was denied, but I didn't get that until much later. I was myself only in my dreams, that's a horrible situation to find yourself in. It wasn't until I was 14 that I stopped denying that I was attracted to men because I was taught it was not normal.

It was the looks from the people when I was at the girls' toys aisle, it was my own parents denying me these dresses. My own mother gave away a Disney Monopoly because the castle was "girly" and she was afraid it'd made me gay. I was constantly trying to go for these and I was always forced out of it. In retrospect, that made me really sad as a kid. My autism did not help at all, making me unable to understand the damned social norm while growing up.

My dysphoria and experience with gender has been going on for longer than i can remember. Let's start by stating that I'm amab, you know everything that comes with it. When I was really young, say 3 or 4, my school had this kind of playzone in the classroom. I always went for the "girls corner" with the kitchen and princess dresses, only to be reprimanded because that's not "manly". But that didn't only happen in my school, it was much more than that.

sometimes i forget that linus is also the name for the one who does tech tips and not only torvalds

cowboy vampires sign me up